Just about any time you log onto Facebook, Instagram, or TikTok you are inundated with posts where people bare-all and reveal a recent experience where they acted outside of their character and they are seeking compassion from everyone except themselves. You know the posts I’m talking about. The ones where maybe they shouted at a cashier at the grocery store or they said something awful to their child that they can’t take back – and now they feel guilty, remorseful, and they regret the whole thing. And they can’t give themselves self compassion.
When you read the comments, you see:
- “Give yourself a break – you’re only human!”
- “Cut yourself some slack!”
- “Don’t forget to practice self care!”
But how do we do that? What does it mean to “give yourself a break” or “cut yourself some slack”? Self compassion is a necessary part of our existence. It helps us overcome our inner critic and it can make us more compassionate towards other people. But what is self compassion? Let’s figure that out.
Definition of Self Compassion
Kristin Neff wrote the book on self compassion and how being kind to yourself can be very powerful. She defines self compassion as:
“Acting the same way towards yourself when you are having a difficult time, fail, or notice something you don’t like about yourself. Instead of just ignoring your pain with a “stiff upper lip” mentality, you stop to tell yourself “this is really difficult right now,” how can I comfort and care for myself in the moment?”
– Kristin Neff
Essentially, self compassion is treating yourself the same way you’d treat a friend in a similar situation. Maybe you’re under so much stress from work that you lash out – if a friend did that, what would you say? It’s being gentle with yourself as you go through something difficult and maybe painful. It can also be giving yourself grace when you screw up.
Self Compassion vs Self Pity
You may think that self compassion is really a fancy term for self pity and who wants to throw themselves a pity party! But, that’s not what it is. Self pity has more to do with getting so bogged down with your own problems that you forget others are going through something similar. It doesn’t allow you to step back from your situation to gain perspective and can often lead to you getting wrapped up in your own drama.
By contrast, self compassion gives you the space to step back and acknowledge that you’re not alone in your situation and in your feelings. It’s not self-indulgent or selfish and it allows you to see others in similar situations without feeling isolated and disconnected. When you’re self compassionate, you’re looking toward the future by creating a happier and healthier you.
We’re hard on ourselves, especially when we notice something about ourselves that we really want to change. Shame gets involved (that’s called self-flagellation) and we make ourselves miserable in the process. Self-flagellation also tends to backfire – it becomes harder to face truths about yourself because you don’t want people hating you for facing those truths.
Self Compassion vs Self Esteem
Do you love yourself? It’s a lofty question but self esteem is linked with our sense of self worth and value. Essentially, it’s how much you love yourself. But, in our culture, self esteem can also be based on how others perceive us and value us – which can create some rocky relationships. Some of us were raised to believe we can’t be average and we need to be better than others in sports, beauty, and life. So, our self esteem is tied to how successful we are in life, our careers, and our wealth.
Self compassion isn’t based on self evaluations. It’s tied to a belief that we feel compassion for ourselves because humans deserve understanding and kindness. It boils down to an association with emotional resilience. So, while we’re told we need to boost our self esteem to feel better about ourselves, perhaps we should be looking toward self compassion tips?
Giving Yourself More Self Compassion
Before you dive into self compassion exercises, books, and TED talks – test yourself to see how self compassionate you are. Your results may surprise you. There are a few ways you can increase your self compassion, like:
You made a mistake – why are you punishing yourself? Own your mistake, apologize if you hurt someone, and be gentle with yourself. You can verbalize “I forgive myself for…” and maybe write a sticky note to yourself that reads “Be gentle with yourself”.
Having a fixed mindset can impede your happiness but a growth mindset helps influence how happy you are. Embrace challenges and don’t compare yourself to others (it leads to feeling threatened).
Expressing gratitude is powerful because there is strength in appreciating what you have instead of wishing for something else. Keep a gratitude journal, post your gratitude daily on social media, or scream it into the universe. When you focus on appreciating what you have, you create a gentler inner voice and you start to focus on more positive aspects of life.
This might seem like a lot but baby steps are necessary because you can’t implement this all at once. When you’re mindful of your feelings, you can catch yourself in moments where you need to practice forgiveness or gratitude. Remember: you’re not perfect – none of us are, so you’re going to have good days and bad. You’re going to have moments that are wonderful and others that are difficult. When you think you aren’t meeting your own self-imposed expectations, take a moment to pause and reflect. It’ll help you take accountability for your actions, assess your feelings, and give you an opportunity to practice self compassion.
Build a Healthier You
Giving yourself grace and room to grow isn’t easy – it’s a learned skill and working with a therapist in Texas can help. Reach out to learn how I can help you build the life you want.
