“I love my husband, but I feel like we’re just co-existing. The attraction is… gone. I don’t even know when it disappeared, but now it’s like we’re just partners in a carpool. Can you ever get that feeling back?”
“It’s weird—I still find my wife beautiful, but I don’t feel desire the way I used to. I want to want her, but I don’t know how to make that happen.”
These are real sentiments from people in long-term relationships. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not alone.
Many couples hit a point where they wonder: Is the spark gone? And if so, is there a way to bring it back?
As a couples therapist, I don’t believe in one-size-fits-all answers. Some people say passion inevitably fades. Others argue that deep, enduring love is possible. The reality? Both can be true, depending on how you approach your relationship.
What Does “The Spark” Really Mean?
- People often use spark to describe:
- That rush of excitement when your partner walks into the room.
- The effortless, playful energy of early dating.
- The sense that you’re each other’s first choice—before kids, careers, and stress took over.
But attraction isn’t just chemical. It’s also relational—it thrives on novelty, emotional safety, and mutual admiration.
Research backs this up. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist studying love, found that couples in long-term relationships can maintain passion, but it requires actively engaging with each other in new ways—not just relying on old patterns.
So, if the spark is fading, the real question is: Have you stopped seeing your partner in a new light?
Is The Spark Gone Or Just Hiding?
Before assuming attraction is dead, consider these possibilities:
External stressors are masking your connection: Parenthood, work, or health issues can put intimacy on the back burner. It’s not that love is gone—it’s just buried under responsibilities.
Comfort has turned into complacency: When you no longer try to impress each other, attraction can fade—not because love is lost, but because effort is missing.
You’ve stopped being curious about each other: The couples who stay passionate often continue discovering new sides of each other, even after decades together.
Can Love & Passion Coexist Long-Term?
Some people insist you can’t have both. They argue that the chemicals responsible for early-stage infatuation—dopamine, oxytocin, norepinephrine—naturally decline. And they’re not wrong. The intoxicating rush of new love does fade.
But here’s what’s interesting: Even though passion changes over time—it doesn’t have to disappear. It does however, need to grow into something richer and more lasting. Research shows that couples who maintain strong emotional bonds, shared adventures, and mutual admiration can sustain attraction for decades.
So the goal isn’t to chase the old spark—it’s to create a new one.
Redefining Desire In A Long-Term Relationship
Many couples also assume that if the sexual spark fades, something is wrong with their relationship. But in reality, desire changes over time—and that’s normal.
Early in a relationship, attraction is effortless. But long-term love requires a different kind of effort—not pressure, not obligation, but curiosity. Desire is more than physical attraction; it includes how you engage with each other inside and outside the bedroom.
If Sex Feels Like a Chore, Here’s What to Consider:
- Are you prioritizing emotional intimacy outside the bedroom?
- Do you make space for playfulness and flirtation, or has everything become logistical?
- Are external stressors—kids, work, exhaustion—getting in the way?
Passion isn’t something couples “lose” overnight. It fades when we stop creating space for it. And the good news? It can be reignited—not by forcing it, but by finding each other again in new ways.
How To Bring Back The Spark (Even If You Feel Hopeless)
Not every relationship needs a grand romantic gesture. Sometimes, small, intentional changes can completely shift your dynamic.
Reintroduce Novelty
- Try something you’ve never done together—travel, a dance class, or even cooking a new dish.
- Dopamine (the excitement chemical) is triggered by new experiences, even in familiar relationships.
Shift Your Focus to Appreciation
- Compliment your partner when they’re not around. When we actively seek out positives, attraction follows.
- Notice small gestures instead of fixating on what’s missing. Gratitude fosters closeness.
Break Routine
- If date night always looks the same, shake it up. Surprise each other. Anticipation fuels attraction.
- Change something simple—swap dinner for an outdoor picnic, or get dressed up just for fun.
Prioritize Physical Touch (Without Pressure for Sex)
- Studies show that non-sexual touch (hugging, kissing, hand-holding) releases oxytocin, which strengthens emotional bonds.
- Physical connection fosters emotional closeness—so start small.
Stop Trying to “Fix” Each Other—Just Listen
- If your partner vents, resist the urge to problem-solve.
- Active listening creates intimacy—when someone feels heard, they feel valued.
Let Each Other Breathe
- Desire needs space. Give each other room to miss one another.
- Rekindle independence: When each partner feels whole on their own, attraction thrives.
When Trying Harder Isn’t The Answer
Some couples work tirelessly to fix their relationship, only to feel more disconnected. Why?
- Effort without emotional connection feels exhausting. Trying to “fix” your relationship by planning date nights or scheduling intimacy won’t work if there’s no emotional foundation. If affection feels forced or like another item on the to-do list, it’s a sign that what’s really needed is reconnection—not just more effort.
- Pressure kills intimacy. If sex or romance starts to feel like an obligation, the desire for it naturally shuts down. Passion thrives in an atmosphere of playfulness and choice, not expectation.
- Unresolved pain blocks attraction. You can’t force closeness when resentment is simmering under the surface. If past hurts haven’t been acknowledged, even the best attempts at romance will feel hollow. A heartfelt conversation may be more powerful than a weekend getaway.
If you’ve tried reconnecting but something still feels off, it may be time to seek outside help.
How Therapy Can Help
Many couples wait too long before reaching out for help—often when they’re already considering separation. But therapy isn’t just for crisis mode. You don’t have to wait for things to fall apart before getting help. Therapy can bring you back together before the distance feels permanent.
At Therapy Works Well we specialize in:
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Helps couples identify and change negative thought patterns and behaviors affecting their relationship.
- Gottman Method: Based on the research of Drs. John and Julie Gottman, this approach aims to increase closeness, affection, and respect, helping couples manage conflicts and deepen their bond and understanding.
- Narrative Therapy: Allows couples to reframe and retell the story of their relationship, identifying and overcoming negative perceptions.
- Solution-Focused Therapy: Focuses on finding solutions to specific issues within the relationship, rather than delving into past conflicts or issues.
- Sex Therapy – Addressing emotional and psychological barriers to physical intimacy.
The goal of therapy isn’t to dig up every past mistake—it’s to help you find your way back to each other with the right support.
The spark isn’t something you find—it’s something you build. Let’s do the work together. Book a free consultation to start rekindling your relationship today.
