It feels like sex is always in our faces whether it’s on TV, written into music, or published on a billboard. You’d think we’d have an easy time talking about sex with our partners given how many times we’re bombarded by it. But that doesn’t transfer seamlessly into comfortable conversations about sex with our partners.
Sex is a skill just like communication. Good sex doesn’t magically happen, it takes work and open communication with your partner. While sexual intimacy is vital for your relationship, it’s not easy for most of us to communicate our sexual needs and desires to our partners. But we can still get by with OK sex with little-to-no communication, right? Wrong. If you aren’t great at communicating about sex, it could a sign you’re not great at communicating anything to your partner.
And who wants to live in a relationship with OK sex? You should want a relationship with better sex. While some may suffer from inhibited sexual desire (speak with a sex therapist about ISD), having conversations about sex together your relationship reaps the emotional and psychological benefits.
Types of Conversations about Sex
While sex can feel great, it provides an emotional connection for both parties involved. And those intimate conversations about sex don’t have only include pleasure. There’s a lot more to it than just talking about where you do and don’t want to be touched. Other topics include:
- Sexual Exploration and Fantasies: how can each of you expand the depth of your sexual relationship through fantasies and your deepest designs?
- Frequency of Sex: how often would you like to have sex with each other?
- Working through Pleasuring Differences: is there a polite way of telling your partner you like something or don’t want to do something without killing the mood? (Spoiler alert: YES!)
- Sexual Health: what are past sexual experiences or partnerships that you may need to address with each other?
- Blockers and Turn-offs: is there anything that will completely shut down the act of sexual intimacy? What makes you turn off completely from having sex?
- Arousal and Turn-ons: what needs to happen to get you in the mood? Is there a place you like to be touched that will almost-always turn you on?
- Feelings about sex: do you equate sex with love? Does a sexual relationship feel awkward when you talk about it? Were you raised to think sex was natural or dirty?
While pleasure is goal, there’s more to having a great sex life with your partner than just talking about the pleasure sex brings you. When you talk about difficult subjects, you create a space that fosters intimacy and brings you closer. Talking about sex together can have the same effect. Plus, it can help you both understand how to improve your sexual experiences while inceasing intimacy because you connect on a different level as a couple.
The best part of talking to your partner about sex is that it can also be a turn-on in many ways. But, if you get to a stage where speaking to your partner about sex is challenging, consider sex therapy where you can work through your blockers together.
Starting the Sexual Conversation with Your Partner
Take a deep breath – we’re about to dive into some ways to broach the conversation with your partner. If you have a hard time talking about difficult topics with your partner, try doing it as a game. Love Lingual is a great way to connect with your partner on a few deeper levels (not just sexual). The game comes with five categories – one of which is intimacy. You take turns with your partner asking questions like “What part of my body turns you on the most?” It’s a great way to start talking in a non-intimidating way.
Another way to initiate a conversation about sex with your partner is to unpack what you see on TV or in the movies in the moment. If you’re watching a movie together and something turns you on – say something and explain what about it turns you on! Conversely, if something turns you off – talk about that, too, and explain why it makes you uncomfortable.
But sometimes the best way to broach the conversation is to just talk about it when you’re alone. You can either schedule time to talk or talk about it when you’re both together without distractions. Talking about this while making dinner or when the kids are buzzing around isn’t the right time. But when you’re both watching TV and playing with your phones – turn it all off and talk to each other.
Tips for Talking about Sex with Your Partner
With some well laid plans to talk about sex, we have some tips for making that conversation easier and more meaningful.
It goes without saying but, as mentioned above, don’t have any of these conversations while you have a million things going on. It’s not a conversation to have when you’re rushed and definitely not something to bring up when you’re in the middle of an argument. Plan these conversations when you’re both in a good mood and hold the conversation in a neutral place when you’re alone together.
It’s important to remember that talking about sex should happen frequently and shouldn’t always start in the same way.
Conversations about sex aren’t easy to have, at first. So, when you want to bring up your sex life with your partner, start with what’s great about your sex life. Focus on “I” statements like “I really love how it feels when you kiss my neck”. Avoid criticism because you want to learn how to improve, not put your partner on the defensive.
These aren’t one-and-done conversations and your willingness to open up may be different from your partners. Not everyone has the same comfort level. Your partner’s history may make talking about sex very stressful. So, start slow and be patient as your partner warms up to the idea.
Sexual Conversation Starts + Dirty Talk
After starting your conversation, you can let the conversation move along naturally or you could add in some of these questions to dive deeper:
- If I want to initiate sex, what’s the best way to get you in the mood?
- What’s the worst sexual experience you’ve ever had with someone?
- Is there a specific move or action I do when we’re intimate that you LOVE?
- I like it when you whisper dirty things in my ear – does dirty talk turn you on?
- Do you have any sexual fantasies?
- How can we improve our sexual intimacy?
- What are your thoughts on masturbation?
- How has your upbringing impacted your view on sex?
- Is there something I do that would immediately turn you off from having sex with me?
- Where is your favorite place to be touched?
When you want to get the ball-rolling and move toward an emotionally-charged sexual experience, try a game of “Would You Rather” and include some of these questions:
Would you rather…
- Give or receive oral sex?
- Have a quickie or go for an hours-long session?
- Talk dirty with me or express it with our bodies?
- Have sex in a car or a bathroom?
- Have morning sex or nightime sex?
- Try rope play or role play?
- Know my romantic fantasy or tell me yours?
- Have kinky sex or romantic sex?
Since communication is the key to having great sex with your partner, dirty talk is a great way to communicate what you want and need your partner to do! It helps them know emphatically in the moment that what they are doing is what you want. It can be fun and empowering while helping you have more meaningful sex.
When it comes to dirty talk, there are some phrases we say while in the act that we don’t realize fall into the bucket of “dirty talk”, like:
- Telling your partner “Yes! Don’t Stop!” and “That feels so good, right there!” is a great way to communicate that you enjoy what they are doing. Give yourself carte blanche to be as specific as possible because it’ll lead to more consistent sexual satisfaction.
- Stating “Tell me what you want me to do to you” can be very powerful for your partner because it hands over the reins of control while allowing your partner to verbalize what they know feels good to them.
- When you can hear your partner’s moans, ask “How does this feel?” It can help your partner guide you with their response and validate that what you’re doing feels good.
Navigating Differences
When it comes to sex and inhibited sexual desire (ISD), no two people are alike which means how you and your partner speak to each other about sex will vary. Remember: there isn’t one “right” way to be sexual and there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach – differences will happen as you talk. It’s OK to disagree on different areas of sex but your differences shouldn’t result in ultimatums. And, sometimes, you need help from a neutral third-party like a therapist who specializes in sexual counseling for couples because they can guide the conversation about ISD where both of you benefit. Sex therapy can feel similar to couples therapy but it’s designed to help both individuals and couples work through any psychological, medical, or personal issues that impact and inhibit sexual satisfaction.
Work Through Sexual Blockers
Talking about sex with your partner isn’t easy for everyone. Sex therapy can help – reach out for a consultation to learn how.
