Do you know what the foundation for a solid relationship is? Emotional intimacy. The connection you have with your partner is sacred but it also isn’t always as strong as it could be. If you ask any couple that has been together for decades, they’ll tell you that their connection – their emotional intimacy – waned at some point in their relationship. In fact, most romantic relationships struggle with a lack of physical, emotional, or sexual intimacy at some point.
The most common periods in life for emotional connections to fizzle is when a couple has been together for a long time or when there is a new life change that sucks up all your energy like a new baby or a change in jobs. Building your emotional connection doesn’t always involve massive gestures or major changes. Truthfully, there are small steps you can take on a daily basis to foster emotional intimacy as a couple.
How to Build Emotional Intimacy
Feeling emotionally connected to another human is one of the most beautiful experiences we go through – it gives us all the warm fuzzies! It’s also why we enter into relationships. Who doesn’t want to be loved by someone else? The experience of loving someone, getting to know them on a deeper level, and sharing experiences together is what so many of us crave! But, for some reason, we get overwhelmed, confused, and frustrated when it comes to learning how to build emotional intimacy. Here are some tips for building emotional intimacy and sustaining it as a couple.
Practice Active Listening in a Non-Judgemental Way
Think about the last conversation you had with your partner – even if it was just a short conversation. Do you remember what they said? Think about what you were doing as they were speaking and that’ll tell you whether you were actively listening or not. Now think about how you responded – could there have been some judgemental tones thrown into your response? If you’re constantly thinking about the next thing to add in, you’re not really listening to your partner. Try this, instead:
- Maintain eye contact with your partner while they speak – it’ll show them you’re paying attention
- Sharing your own experience isn’t always necessary – try asking them clarifying questions instead like “Did I hear you say she threw someone under the bus?” rather than pointing the conversation towards you by saying “Something similar happened to me at work the other day…”.
- Pay attention to your body language because those are non-verbal cues. They can tell your partner whether you’re actually paying attention or not.
Give Gratitude Daily and Appreciate All of the Things
While there’s no need to drone on and on about the importance of showing appreciation for your partner and what they do, it’s incredible how many people skip this step in relationships. No one wants to be taken for granted. Giving gratitude for something as simple as folding and putting away laundry goes a long way towards building emotional intimacy. What’s more, adding the impact their actions have on you makes those bonds stronger. When you state why you are grateful, it helps your partner hear how valued they are. Consider sharing the values or qualities the actions reveal about them. It’ll help your partner understand what you appreciate about them on a more specific level. Let’s try a few:
- “Thank you for taking the trash out! It gave me some time to wrap up some work stuff without having to worry about the garbage. I love that you could see that I was swamped and just got it done so I didn’t have to worry about it later. You’re the best!”
- “I appreciate that you got the kids’ computers set up and ready for their tutoring sessions while I was getting them from school. It made the transition from school to tutoring a lot easier without them having to deal with my anxiety of getting it all done.”
- “Thanks for making me some lunch. I know it’s not easy when we both work from home and have opposite schedules but I probably wouldn’t have had a bite to eat today without it. You’re an incredible partner and I appreciate that you take care of me.”
Make Sexual Satisfaction a Priority
According to McCarthy & McCarthy, the first six months to two years of a relationship, the frequency of sex goes down. But, it’s not the frequency of sex that leads to dissatisfaction, the issue really starts with differing levels in sexual desire which can hinder sexual satisfaction. In fact, the Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy published a study linking how emotionally connected a couple is with how sexually satisfied they are.
To be blunt: it’s not enough to just have sex. And the frequency of sex isn’t the deciding factor because sex isn’t the cure for a broken emotional bond. But, when you explore your partner’s sexual desires and yours is also explored, it can lead to greater feelings of emotional connections that take place both in and out of the bedroom. When you aim to please and satisfy, and your partner reciprocates, not only does it create an incredible sex life but it also helps rebuild the bonds of emotional intimacy.
Create Rituals and Traditions Together
Routines, rituals, and traditions are the little things we look forward to and it goes beyond Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas, and the annual 4th of July BBQ. Creating daily rituals or routines gives you something to look forward to every day. Including your partner in those daily traditions makes it better and can help foster emotional intimacy. Some connection rituals include:
- Morning coffee together
- Daily workouts (and maybe shower time!)
- Weekly dinner date
- A nightly cocktail after work
- Lunch dates
- Evening walks with the dog
- Dinner table round-robin
Explore New Things Together
Recently, a friend of mine was complaining that her husband wanted to go to an event where you could pick out something to paint on a canvas and bring your own wine. He thought it would be something cool to try out together because she’s really creative and he likes wine. It backfired and she had little interest. When I probed her about it, she said “I want to try new things together, just not this.” After some further discussion, she mentioned that painting is a stress reliever for her and she didn’t want her husband to ruin her “solo-thing”. I asked her to just try it because how do you know he’ll ruin it if you don’t try it? Turns out, he didn’t ruin anything and they had a great time.
Research shows that couples can rekindle closeness when they try new activities together. You don’t need to scour the internet for ideas of new things to try, here are some helpful suggestions:
- Try a new restaurant together
- Take dance lessons
- Sign up for an art class
- Go to an Escape Room
- Try co-ed soccer or ninja training
- Find a new path to go hiking
- Play a “Choose Your Own Adventure” game
Repairing Emotional Intimacy
When you’ve been together long enough, you’re bound to hit some rough patches. But those bumps in the road can make it harder to connect on a regular basis which means you’re going to work on repairing emotional intimacy rather than building it. The following tips may seem like no-brainers but they take more work from both parties and are often forethoughts down the road.
Deal with Your Sh*t!
When you have more baggage than an airline, it’s time to call in the big guns and get some help. We all go through experiences (traumatic or just tough) but some people are better at processing those experiences than others. Think about how you react to life changes – like a new job, a re-org at work, a new baby, or a move. Navigating through life’s changes is a challenge but if you shut down, retreat inward, or get incredibly frustrated it’s likely because you went through something in the past without any help or guidance to get you through it.
When you live with unresolved feelings, or baggage, it can have an impact on your emotional bond with your partner. Find a therapist or counselor who can help you work through your emotional baggage so you can heal.
Work on Self Growth
It goes without saying that working on yourself first is one of the hardest things you can do to foster intimacy in a relationship but you can’t repair emotional intimacy if your self esteem is in the gutter. When you feel badly about yourself, guess what’s going to fuel conflict in your relationship? Insecurity! When you wallow in self-pity, you can’t be an active listener. Make small steps by doing positive things for yourself like going to the gym (endorphins RULE!), take a class to learn something new, or cross something off your bucket list. Take bigger steps by working with a therapist who can help you boost your self confidence and build your self worth.
Spend Time Alone Together
When was the last time you both focused on each other? Spending quality time alone together is a basic essential for rebuilding emotional intimacy. In this case, the quantity is just as important as the quality. You need to spend some distraction-free time together without kids, pets, friends, and electronic devices and you need to do it frequently. We’re not talking about going to a sports bar to catch the game together – you might enjoy it but your partner may come along for the mozzarella sticks. Quality time is defined by the two of you together but activities should be when you can give each other your undivided attention. So, spend some time talking to each other about the things you think you like to do together and do more of those things…together.
Tackle Relationship & Intimacy Issues Together
We’re human and we won’t always see eye to eye with our significant other or partner. That means how you handle conflict is different from how your partner handles it. How you communicate is different from your partner’s communication style. When these disparities are big enough, it can create friction in your relationship. Couples counseling can help you resolve conflicts and miscommunications in your relationship while sex therapy can help you address sexual concerns and intimacy issues together. Both are talk therapy-based and can help you communicate effectively, build physical and emotional intimacy, and work on underlying issues that make it harder for you two to connect.
Emotional Intimacy in Practice
The suggestions above and throughout this article are just that…they are suggestions. They should be used in conjunction with each other and combine it with the following practical tips:
The words you say matter to your partner and positive, intentional language does wonders for your emotional connection. So, when you speak to your partner, pay attention to the words that come out of your mouth and ask yourself if your words (and tone) create a safe space for your partner where they feel protected.
If you feel the need to be correct all the time while telling your partner all about how they do something wrong, your score is in the negative. There’s no need to point out someone’s faults – especially your partner! Try being more positive, appreciative, and grateful and you’ll remove the emotional intimacy blocks. It’ll provide your partner with a positive, supportive environment.
You’ve probably heard this one before but when you address issues as a couple as they come up, you take away anger and resentment. This doesn’t give you carte blanche to argue about all of the little things that annoy you but clearing the air in a positive way (keep the communication channels open) can help you both get things off your chest and clear the air before a small issue becomes a big problem. However, when emotions run high we get overwhelmed and move into fight-or-flight mode – this isn’t conducive to constructive conversation. Take the time you both need to calm down. When everyone is calmer, you can revisit your conversation.
Sometimes a nice surprise can yield big results in the emotional intimacy department. Whether it’s getting your partner flowers (sometimes for no reason), picking up their favorite candy bar, picking up their dry cleaning, or taking their car to get gas – the unexpected generosity goes a long way. When these gestures are out-of-the-ordinary, it fosters more emotional intimacy because it’s unexpected.
Relationships are hard work for everyone – no one is special in this regard. Put in the time and effort toward your relationship by actively listening, communicating effectively, and making an effort towards your emotional connection. Your relationship will flourish because of it.
Improve Emotional Intimacy
Couples counseling can help you resolve conflicts and miscommunications in your relationship to help repair and improve your emotional intimacy. Let’s work through it together.
