It’s far too often we listen without actually hearing what our partner is saying. We’re not great at active listening. We’re listening to respond rather than listening to understand. Does it happen during each conversation? Probably not, but it happens most often if we aren’t loving what our partner is saying. You know, the times you’re feeling attacked and get defensive, instead of just listening to what your partner is sharing about how they feel when you’re doing some stuff they aren’t enjoying.
So, how can you be a good listener when talking with your partner? How can you stop listening to respond, and really tune-in and become an active listener?
Develop Active Listening Skills
Being a good listener doesn’t require you to let go of your needs – or wants – in a relationship. It’s just a way to show your partner that you respect them and the things they want to share with you. When you’re a good listener, you’ll be able to pick up on whether your partner just needs to vent about a situation that’s been bothering them, or they are asking for help to deal with an issue they’re facing. To do this, you need to hone in on your active listening skills.
Don’t get me wrong, sometimes your partner is upset (sometimes at you!) and it’ll be difficult to listen to what they’re saying. Shutting down and lashing out won’t help any situation. Sometimes we need to put our ego aside to develop good listening skills. Here are a few things you can start doing ASAP:
Put Your Phone Away
Phones can be a distraction and having it out can make it appear that you’re distracted. Putting your phone away (and out of reach) shows you’re focused and free from distractions. Remove all the “noise” around you, so you can maintain your focus on your partner.
Don’t Interrupt
This can be hard for some people but just listen to your partner. If you feel you need to say something, write down the thought as you listen. You can also wait for a natural break in the conversation if you need to ask questions.
Remain Open-Minded
Keep the conversation a safe place. To keep it safe, it’s important that you never judge the person speaking to you. Wait to form an opinion about what you’ve been told until your partner is finished speaking. This will help you keep an open mind as they are sharing information with you.
Be Respectful
Once it’s your turn to respond, remember to be respectful. No lashing out with rude insults, or words that demean your partner. If you need your partner to clarify certain points, ask! Never assume you know exactly what your partner meant. Additionally, don’t make it about you.
Reflect Back
After your partner is done speaking, paraphrase what you believe they said to confirm you heard correctly. Let them know you’re actually listening. You can say something like “I want to make sure I understood what you said…” and paraphrase. Then, let them respond.
Pay Attention to Body Language
You might think you need to pay attention to your partner’s body language but you need to focus on what your body language is saying. Are you crossing your arms? Is your body position distorted with your legs off to one side? Try to have an open posture as you face your partner, and lean in. Keep it loose. Try not to make fists with your hands, which shows aggression even if you don’t mean it to give off an aggressive vibe.
Don’t Freak Out Over Silence
If your partner pauses, this isn’t your immediate chance to jump in with your thoughts and reactions. It’s time that should be taken to absorb what has been said, get your thoughts together, and then respond IF your partner is done speaking. You can also ask if it’s ok to chime in during a natural pause but read the room first. If your partner is mid-sentence, let them finish.
Keep Eye Contact
Don’t stare. But it’s important to maintain eye contact throughout the conversation.
Let Go of Your Ego
Don’t take what is being said personally. Don’t shift the conversation to be all about you and your feelings. You’ll have your chance to chat about your stuff after your partner has had time to talk their stuff through.
Apply these Active Listening Skills When Talking With Your Partner
Being an active listener takes time but now you’ve got a few tips on how to start active listening. Applying all of these tips provides a safe place for your partner. They know you’re not only listening intently, but interested in what he or she has to say. And if you’re interested, it means you’re dedicated to understanding what your partner is feeling and attempting to share with you.
If they know you won’t react aggressively, or defensively, they’ll communicate freely about whatever is going on in your lives. You’ll be able to be vulnerable with one another, making it easier to create a strong bond that will take you through all of your relationship ups and downs.
Partners often need to vent about work, or family, or things that have nothing to do with your relationship. They just want to get some stuff off their chest, and they want to be able to turn to you, their partner. When you’re a good listener, you’ll be able to pick up on signals from your partner letting you know if they want your help and advice, or if they just want you to listen to validate their feelings.
Becoming a Good Listener
You don’t have to give up your own wants and needs in order to become a good listener. Hearing the message doesn’t require relinquishing the things you need and want from the conversation. As a good listener you just have to learn to keep quiet so you can actively listen, think about what has been said, and then respond accordingly.
It’s not always easy to be a good listener, or learn these important skills and professional assistance is necessary. Or, one partner is able to listen but doesn’t feel safe when sharing with their partner because their partner isn’t a great listener. A therapist can help. Reach out to me, I can help!
