There’s very little that shakes up a partnership more than someone having an affair. It undermines the foundation of your union and leaves both of you wondering versions of: “how did this happen?” and “how did we get here?”
Infidelity causes such an intense emotional pain that many couples throw in the towel – which is OK. But infidelity doesn’t automatically mean your relationship is over. If you’re reading this, then you want to rebuild your marriage and hope to trust your partner again. But how?
Defining Infidelity & “Affair”
Infidelity, cheating on someone, or having an affair all mean the same thing but they don’t have a singular definition. Sure, in our head they do, but what one couple defines as infidelity is different from another couple’s definition. This also varies from person to person.
For example, you may not think sending racy texts to someone is cheating but your best friend may believe it is. Ultimately, as individuals and as couples, you define what constitutes infidelity. This may not help you feel better right now, but it will help down the road.
Why Does Infidelity Happen?
This is a loaded question. Some people believe that affairs happen even when a couple is perfectly happy. Other research shows that an affair is typically a sign that things aren’t right in a relationship. Both sides are right and the reasons why people cheat are varied. There are some factors that contribute to infidelity that seem more obvious, like:
- Marital problems that haven’t been addressed like fear of intimacy or conflict aversion
- Breakdown of communication for both emotional and relationship needs
- Imbalance of the give and take in a relationship
- Loss of caring and fondness for each other
- Lack of affection
There are some less-obvious factors that can contribute, as well:
- Physical health issues (chronic illness, pain, or disability)
- Mental health issues (depression, anxiety, other disorders)
- Transitions in life cycle (parenthood and empty nesters)
- Periods of stress (long-term separation)
- Low self esteem and personal dissatisfaction
Moving Forward After Discovering Infidelity
Once an affair is discovered, powerful emotions are triggered for you both. And, both of you will feel this immense sense of loss leaving you wondering “where do we go from here?”
If you were cheated on, you probably feel betrayed, hurt, angry, and fearful. Your world was just shattered and it probably feels like up is down, down is up and nothing makes sense. That’s because you just endured a traumatic experience. Take some time to feel it all – don’t ignore your feelings.
You’re not without your fair share of feelings if you’re the one who committed the affair. You likely feel guilty, shameful, powerless, fearful, and maybe remorseful. It might feel like you’re going to be punished for an eternity! If you feel like trying to fix it all ASAP – don’t. It’s important for you to also take some time to feel it all.
So, what can both of you do? Here are some things to consider:
- Don’t make rash decisions – no matter how good they may feel in the moment
- Space – everyone needs it and now is the time to give each other breathing room
- Take in everything your feeling and don’t brush off your feelings
- Don’t jump feet-first into trying to untangle and understand everything
- Seek support from a trusted source like friends, family, or even a spiritual leader (and we’ll get into this!) – but avoid judgemental people like the plague
Every couple is different but you need to focus on yourself before trying to mend your marriage.
Mending a Marriage Together
In your lifetime, you will be faced with at least one challenging chapter. This is going to be one of the hardest chapters to work through. It’s going to be like a rollercoaster mixed with ambivalence and uncertainty at times and there will be A LOT of emotions. Remember, it’s a rollercoaster. But, is it possible to reconcile? Absolutely but both parties need to put in the work – just in different ways. To promote the healing process, start with these areas:
- Accountability and Responsibility: if you were unfaithful, hold yourself accountable by taking responsibility and ending the affair (if it’s still ongoing). Then stop all interactions and communication with the other person.
- Don’t Make Any Decisions Yet: you may feel committed to rebuilding and restoring your marriage today but tomorrow may be a different story. Taking time to let the dust settle, understand how the affair started, and healing will lead you both to make the best decision.
- Get Professional Help: Finding someone trained in couples therapy and another individual therapist will help you plot a path ahead while healing as a couple and as individuals.
- Restore Trust: With the help of a professional, create a plan to restore trust leading to reconciliation. This will include timelines and a process where you are both given work to do in order to heal and grow as a couple.
Finding Support as a Couple
Infidelity doesn’t always end in divorce. It doesn’t always kill a relationship. But, it takes work to recover from the pain. That work needs to be done individually – so each person can personally recover, and has to be tackled together – in order to move forward and grow as a couple. Working toward a goal of recovery and healing means getting help from more than one source.
Sharing your story can be an important step in the healing process. When you loop in friends or family, it’s crucial that you only share your story with people you trust who won’t judge you or the situation.
Turning to Faith
Some couples turn toward their faith and ask their spiritual leaders for guidance and support. There’s nothing wrong with turning to religion for help and many Priests, Rabbis, and Pastors are training to support couples through infidelity.
Self-Help Books
Since the invention of the printing press, self-help books have always done their best to help anyone through a particular issue. Infidelity is no different and the professionals who take the time to write these books are well trained. They will provide some insight and offer some help but they aren’t tailored to the individual (or unique couple).
Therapy
While we touched on this before, we cannot understate that marriage counseling and individual therapy is a must have to help mend your marriage together. A therapist trained in working with couples to recover and heal after infidelity will be a better fit for your situation than just a marriage counselor. They will help you understand why the affair happened and how you can heal from it to build a stronger, happier relationship together. An individual therapist, especially one who is trained in infidelity counseling, will help a person separately in areas like forgiveness, restoring trust, and rebuilding self esteem.
You never have to work on healing from an affair alone. Therapy Works is ready to help you in marriage counseling, as well as individually for your personal recovery.
