It’s not what you think it is…
There’s a lot of science and chemistry that goes into having sex but most of us aren’t typically aware of any of it when we’re in the mood … or not in the mood to have sex and it can inhibit great sex. We are usually aware of two things:
- I’m feeling all the feelings and want to have sex
- I don’t want to be touched and don’t want to touch anyone else
So, you know whether you want to have sex or want to be left alone. And, at the same time, your brain and body are going through a ton of signals that activate either response. Sex educator, Emily Nagoski, talks about your brain having two controls when it comes to sex:
- Sexual Accelerator – like a gas pedal it notices all the sexually relevant areas in the environment around you and sends a signal to turn-on. This part is on all the time but usually at a low level.
- Sexual Decelerator – like a brake pedal it focuses on all the reasons why you shouldn’t be turned on or want to have sex right now.
When we experience too much stimulation from the sexual brakes, we start struggling with our sexual wellbeing. In a relationship counseling, I often hear couples speak openly about their struggles with having a healthy and great sex life and it typically comes from the over-stimulation from the brakes but there’s more to it.
Sex: Mars vs. Venus
Remember those books from the 1980s and 1990s that tried to explain the differences between men and women using the planetary terms? Well, there’s some truth behind it – men and women are very different when it comes to sex. These differences are important when trying to understand what’s the underlying cause for a lackluster sexual relationship. Additionally, there are two terms that have become synonymous with each other but they are very different:
- Sex Drive: the desire to have sex – based in the psychology of sex and how your mind (and brain) perceive sexual activity.
- Sexual Arousal: your body’s reaction to something sexual – it’s the physical response your body shows to something sexual.
A lot of people believe that in order for them to be sexually aroused, they need the sex drive to do it and vice versa but it’s not really true. Your body may be come aroused at something but your brain may still be in off-mode for actually having sex. Get it?
We’re about to make a lot of generalizations when it comes to gender and sex, so buckle up.
The notion that men are always ready to have sex isn’t exactly true but men are sometimes better at compartmentalizing and shutting down the sexual brake – which can make it easier for them to be ready for sex at any time. Additionally, for many men sex is a high priority because some men gain an emotional connection from sex.
Women, on the other hand, have other priorities and may need more time to become sexually aroused. It can take women longer to turn off the brake. For many women, the connection between love and sex enhances the physical experience of sex when the emotional connection is strong.
While there are generalizations a-plenty in that information, there is some level of truth to it and that can lead to a better sex life for both parties.
Start with Your Sexual Wellbeing
If you’re looking to improve your sex life, you need to cultivate more confidence and joy within yourself.
Seems simple, right?
Well, let’s take a step back. If you have some free time, watch Emily Nagoski’s TED talk. She does a great job of explaining these two keys but we’ll try to break them down.
Cultivating Confidence
Where do we gain confidence from? According to Emily, confidence comes from “knowing what is true, even if it’s not what you were taught should be true”. Our confidence levels are solidified by many different factors:
- Acceptance of your body and mind (self-esteem)
- Belief in your own skills, abilities, and experiences
- Feelings of well-being
We gain confidence from both internal and outside validation. We may know we’re really good at something or we may feel very attractive but external sources (partners, friends, family, coworkers) can validate what we know is true, which gives us a confidence boost.
When it comes to having sex, loving the way you look can be a hard obstacle to overcome. Emily recommends the mirror exercise:
Stand naked in front of a mirror – you’re going to feel a lot of feelings and hear some negative internal messages. That’s normal but set them aside for now. Focus on the things you like about yourself and start writing out a list of those items like:
- My eyelashes
- The muscular outline on my arms
- A birthmark on my thigh
Write down anything that you like about your body and challenge yourself to find at least one thing. Repeat this exercise daily. The more you do it, the more you start to realize how incredible your body is.
Improve Your Connection
Remember the part of this post where we discussed “the breaks”? This is something that affects more women nowadays and I see it a lot in couples therapy. Women are no longer only at home – they are fully in the workforce which comes with its own stressors that can impact the desire to have sex. Add on the concept of being “touched out” (especially when you have young kids) and you can see why women often hit the breaks. But there’s more to it, so let’s break it down:
A lot of women associate their partner touching them with their partner’s desire to get down and dirty. If partners started increasing daily physical touch with actions like holding hands, kissing your partner’s forehead, hugs, and even an arm around the shoulders without any mention or hinting toward sex, it helps a person move out of the mindset that physical touch = sex.
Sometimes new parents are just touched-out (especially moms!) – everyone wants a piece of them and children spend a fair amount of time touching them. It can lead to sensory overload and a frazzled nervous system. To calm the Vagus Nerve and re-regulate your body, consider taking a few minutes to belt out your favorite tune (really belt it out – Aretha-style), sucking on a sour candy like a Warhead, or sticking a cold ice pack on your chest for a few minutes.
To be blunt – women often need to feel an emotional connection before having sex while men tend to gain the emotional connection through sex. As a male partner, increase the non-sexual physical touch (point #1!) throughout the day with your female partner and a female partner can start reframing the mindset that all touch equals sex.
So many couples enter therapy to tell me their relationship is perfect except the sex. In reality, as we start to unwrap the layers both parties realize the sex isn’t great because their communication isn’t stellar. Sometimes women don’t want to have sex with their spouse or partner because they already know they won’t like it but if you can’t convey how you like to be touched, the cycle will continue. When you’re intimate, talk to each other about what feels good and what doesn’t feel good.
The emotional connection from point #3 can be achieved more easily when you date your spouse. We get lost in the rat-race of life and it’s important to have something that pulls you back toward each other regularly.
There are times when the lack of sex drive or sexual arousal aren’t entirely caused by any of the areas discussed. When this is the case, it’s time to lean on your medical provider to evaluate your hormones and overall health to see if there is a hormone imbalance or underlying medical condition that’s the cause.
Work with a Couples Therapist with Sexual Dysfunction Experience
My friend’s dad used to say that he knew more couples that got divorced because of their finances than because of a bad sex life. Truthfully, many couples don’t get divorced because their sex life isn’t great – they separate because of the underlying issues that they don’t work through that impacts their sex life. Every couple has issues and that’s why couples therapy can help partners improve their communication and work through their problems. As a benefit, resolving some of the common issues couples have can also lead to a great sex life with your partner. As a Houston-area couples therapist, I can help you communicate better and get to the heart of why your sex life isn’t as hot and heavy as it used to be. Contact me to learn how I can help.
Build a Healthier You
Giving yourself grace and room to grow isn’t easy – it’s a learned skill and working with a therapist in Texas can help. Reach out to learn how I can help you build the life you want.
