Did you ever watch the Adam Sandler – Drew Barrymore movie The Wedding Singer? If you haven’t, it’s a great date-night movie but if you watched the movie, you’ll remember the song “I Wanna Grow Old With You” – right? Everyone swoons when they hear the lyrics but what does marriage actually look like when you grow old with someone? How does dating in marriage work?
For a long-term relationship to be successful, it needs quite a few moving parts like great communication, an emotional connection, an attraction to each other, and so much more. But how do you keep that going? Hint: date your spouse.
Your partner’s love language has something to do with this – especially when it comes to planning date nights – but it really comes down to dating your spouse. Think back to the last time you purposefully went out to spend time with each other, how did you feel about your spouse afterward? Did you feel your connection grow stronger? It wouldn’t be surprising if you did, but what other benefits does dating in marriage have?
Dating Your Spouse Consistently is Important
Couples come to marriage counseling and couples therapy for many reasons but one of the top reasons has to do with a broken connection. You’re married or in a long-term relationship and one of you had an impression that it would always be fun. Well, having fun is part of a relationship but, as our parents told us, relationships take work. And it’s true – you have to put the work into it. What does that work look like?
While in couples therapy sessions with clients, I preach the following:
- Have a date night weekly
- Plan a grand date night quarterly
- Go on a week-long vacation together (just you two!) yearly
This is all part of dating your spouse or partner. It allows you to connect with each other weekly, get excited for something quarterly, and rest or recharge together yearly. And those three action items are not only doable but they can have a huge impact on your relationship.
Benefits to Dating Your Spouse
Think back to when you and your spouse were first getting to know each other. Going on dates was likely the way you spent time getting to know each other. It doesn’t matter if they were coffee dates, dinner dates, or video dates – you did something together. It was probably fun, right? That’s because dating should be fun and here are a few benefits you can expect from dating your spouse.
Foster Intimacy
Yeah, right off the bat we’re talking about intimacy but that doesn’t always equal sex. Intimacy can be defined as an affectionate or loving relationship where those involved have a deep understanding of one another; an emotional closeness. Intimacy isn’t something that just happens, it’s built up over time through a series of events…like dates. When you date your spouse, you’re boosting your connection. You carved out this special one-on-one time where you truly live in the moment and you’re making an effort to be present. All of that fosters that emotional closeness. It’s a cycle.
Provides a Sacred Space for You Both
If you have children or other people present in your home, it can be really hard to connect with each other in a way that doesn’t involve inquiring minds. When you want to talk to your spouse about how life is dragging you down or the kids are just driving you mad – you can’t exactly do that at the family dinner table. Going out on a weekly date – even if it’s just for a 30 minute walk together – can give you both that time to verbally and emotionally connect while also receiving support from your spouse.
Reminder of Your Love for Each Other
Once again, I’m going to ask you to think back to when you were first dating – you probably looked forward to seeing each other all the time. You made space and time to see each other, despite busy schedules. Now go to the present – are you still carving out space and time to see each other? Going on a weekly date can help give you reminders that the fire is still burning and the love is still there. Plus, it gives you something to look forward to every week. You might even start to get those butterflies that you used to get before (and during) each date.
Prioritize Each Other
A friend once told me that the single most important piece of marriage advice came from her grandfather: make your spouse a priority because, at some point, your kids will have their own lives and it’ll be just the two of you. Once life starts rolling and other priorities enter the picture (like kids and climbing the corporate ladder), we often forget that our marriage is important.
Those other priorities become the main focus of our lives for longer periods of time and we don’t check in with our spouse. It subconsciously tells your spouse that they aren’t as important as those other priorities and it can make your relationship feel disposable. That probably wasn’t the intention when you got married. So, dating your spouse is an intentional way of telling your partner that they are the priority and your relationship is valuable. Dating will help you stay connected to your spouse but that connection can’t be cultivated if your marriage isn’t a priority.
Dating is FUN!
This part should be a no-brainer but you’d be surprised how many couples put too much pressure on dating their spouse. Planning the date becomes a chore. It doesn’t have to be and it should be fun. Here are a few date night ideas for married couples:
- Go for a long drive and get milkshakes
- Hit up a dive bar and play pool
- Take a long walk together
- Try that new coffee or ice cream spot
- Attend a BYOB paint class
- Head to the comedy club
- Find a look out spot where you can see the entire metro-area
- Try hiking
- Game night
None of those activities take more than 5 minutes to plan. If you have a hard time coming up with ideas, try the jar trick: take popsicle sticks and write an activity you both enjoy doing on each stick. Place the sticks in a jar (activity side down) and choose a stick for that week’s activity.
Do More than Talk
Dating your spouse should be fun and it doesn’t always have to be going to dinner so you can talk. While communicating verbally (and actively listening) is crucial for a strong marriage, communication isn’t always verbal. And, sometimes dates should be an activity where you’re not talking but you just enjoy each other’s company. At the heart of it all, that’s the key – enjoying each other. And, if you need help reconnecting with your spouse, a trained therapist can also help.
Build a Healthier You
Giving yourself grace and room to grow isn’t easy – it’s a learned skill and working with a therapist in Texas can help. Reach out to learn how I can help you build the life you want.
