Believe it or not, sexual health plays a critical role in our overall well-being. As the new year approaches, we move from thinking about others during the holiday season to focusing on ourselves and how we can grow. Yet, as we make our New Year resolutions, sexual wellness almost never makes it onto someone’s list. In the post-pandemic world, it seems like we’re all fatigued and just about everyone’s mental health has taken a hit. But, the mental health impact of that period is also seeping into our sex lives.
Whether you’re facing economic strain, pressure to socialize during the year, or you’re burnt out, that can all spill over into your sex life. It affects the quality of sex, the frequency of sex, and your overall sexual satisfaction. Knowing all of this, here are some tips for improving your sexual wellness in the new year.
Sexual Wellness Starts with YOU
The first step to improving your sex life in the new year is to work on your relationship with sex. We weren’t all taught to appreciate sex or to value what sexual intimacy can do for your total health and wellness. In addition, sex is still very taboo in the United States so it’s time to address the hiccups you have about sex, feeling sexy, loving your body, and how your health plays into all of that.
Start Learning about Sex
Do your research! Start uncovering your sexual barriers and feelings toward sex. Make mental notes about how you feel during a sex scene in a TV show or movie. Acknowledging the feelings you have towards sex can help you change your perception of sex. Start asking yourself why you feel the way you do regarding sex. When you start to ask yourself questions, it makes it easier to look up information in books and online.
Get Comfortable with Your Body
Your body is a wonderland. Believe it. In order to have a great sex life, you need to get comfortable with your body. Stare at your body in the mirror and work your way up to looking at it for at least 3 minutes. Tell yourself at least one thing you love about your body during every session. A positive attitude about your body and sexual pleasure are intrinsically tied together.
Take it a step further and think about what gives you physical pleasure. You need to spend time discovering what feels good before you can tell your partner how to get there. Touch your body. It might feel awkward, at first, but when you learn what feels good (and what doesn’t!), it’s easier to communicate that to a sexual partner.
Speak with Doctor about ALL Things Medical
Sometimes you need to talk to your doctor about a low sex drive or difficulty getting aroused. A doctor will be able to tell you whether your sexual wellness concerns stem from a hormone imbalance, medical condition, or medication. But, if you don’t ask your physician about it, they’ll never know it’s going on. Just like you may talk to your doctor about a weird lump or cough that won’t go away, you can also speak about your sex life, sexual performance, and lack of interest around having sex.
Get Out of Your Own Head
Sex educator, Emily Nagoski, often speaks about the two controls your brain has when it comes to sex: Sexual Accelerator and Sexual Decelerator. The accelerator sends a signal to get turned on; and the decelerator is like a brake pedal that tells us all of the reasons why we should be turned off. Too much stimulation from the sexual breaks leads to sexual wellness struggles. The stimulation that turns on the breaks needs to be turned down in order for you to be turned on.
Start with practicing mindfulness and being present in the moment. First, focus on your breath and how your body feels. When intrusive thoughts come in, imagine you get to take a bat and mentally hit a home run to move the thought out of your mind. As you pay attention to your breathing, think about how you feel in that moment. Start thinking about times you felt sexually free and experiences that gave you pleasure. It’ll start triggering the accelerator.
Improving Your Sex Life Together
Whether you’re one half of a long-term unit, or you’re enjoying the single life, there are ways you can improve your sex life with your sexual partner. The following are powerful suggestions designed for use with another person.
Explore Emotional & Physical Intimacy
Sometimes you’re in the mood or only have time for a quickie and that’s OK but if you’re only focusing on intercourse, someone’s going to be left in the cold feeling frustrated. Start exploring what you can do to improve emotional intimacy that goes beyond the limits of physical intimacy. Since intimacy is all about the connection, it’s important to find new ways to emotionally connect regularly. When you are exploring physical intimacy, you’re taking the emotional connection up a few notches because you’re focusing on new ways to give (and receive!) pleasure. How do you improve physical intimacy? It starts with talking to your partner about sex.
Learn to Communicate Effectively
Communication happens in both verbal and non-verbal ways. When something feels good, you might moan. If something doesn’t feel good, your body might wince. And while non-verbal communication is important, communicating effectively starts with verbal communication. Open communication is vital for a good sex life. It’s not just about telling your partner what feels good, when you communicate effectively with your sexual partner, you’re including information about sexual fantasies, your feelings towards sex, sexual frequency and pleasure, and what turns you off or on.
It’s equally important to talk to your partner about how to initiate intimacy because the way one person initiates intimacy may be a turn off for the other person, which can sometimes lead to a fear of rejection. Sometimes these conversations happen during sex but if you’re having sex with someone regularly, you need to have these discussions more frequently.
Adapt & Become More Flexible
This isn’t pretzel or yoga talk. A great sex life takes work, good communication, and the ability to adapt your style when your partner no longer loves an aspect of sexual intimacy. Your sexual needs will change over time, and so will your partner’s. And since sex doesn’t always come naturally to people, it’s important to stay flexible in everything from sexual pleasure to how often you have sex.
Make Sex a Priority
Let’s say this louder for people in the back: sex should be a priority in your life. Sometimes that means scheduling sex in your calendar (which is totally OK!) and other times it means clearing your schedule to get yourself into the mood. Not everything in your life can be a priority but having great sex (not just sex for the sake of doing it more) should be one of them.
Let’s Get Physical
When you’ve gotten out of your own head and start getting turned on, the best way to improve your sexual wellness in the new year is to get it on! So, here are a few physical ways you can improve your sex life, one session at a time.
The suggestions above and throughout this article are just that…they are suggestions. They should be used in conjunction with each other and combine it with the following practical tips:
Both men and women can struggle with issues regarding their pelvic floor. The antidote? Kegel exercises! They can help strengthen and tone your pelvic floor muscles which can help give you better orgasms. They can be done just about any time, anywhere, and are discrete.
Sexual intercourse shouldn’t always be the goal. And you can enjoy each other’s bodies without genital stimulation. Try a sensual date night. Our bodies have many erogenous zones like inner wrists, the neck, ears, the small of the back, and even the scalp. You can try full body massages with lots of touching in any (or all!) of the zones. Another powerful exercise is to re-map each other’s bodies. Start by disrobing and one partner lies on their back or belly while the other partner touches and caresses the other partner’s body. If you’re the partner being touched, refrain from commenting how everything feels – try to stay in the moment and enjoy the experience.
Exercise does wonders for your entire body and your sex life. Blood flows to your heart and your genitals so a healthy lifestyle with plenty of cardiac movement can potentially help reverse erectile dysfunction (ED). It can also decrease stress (your libido’s #1 break). Plus, you’ll increase your flexibility, strength, and stamina while boosting your self esteem and body image. Even better, work out together which can be an incredible turn on for both of you.
Lubricate: this goes without saying but lubrication is better for everyone involved. Vaginal dryness occurs more as women age and no one enjoys being rubbed without a little slick so apply lube liberally to really enjoy sexual sensations. Self stimulation before sex can help reduce vaginal dryness and pain associated with sex but applying lubrication can help protect sensitive tissue in your genitals.
Masturbate: despite being taboo, masturbating regularly is healthy and normal. It’s one of the safest ways to experience sexual pleasure and it can help increase body confidence and self-esteem. Masturbating together with a partner can also increase intimacy as you learn about each other’s bodies. Even with masturbation, lubricant is important so you don’t accidentally bruise sensitive tissue.
Tools and Toys: we’ve come a long way in the sex toy department and there’s no reason to be embarrassed about using toys. While some people may consider a sex toy as a cop-out for not being able to turn someone on manually, people having incredible sex would disagree. Sex toys are tools meant to help enhance sexual pleasure, not replace sexual partners.
Talk to Each Other During Sex: talking to your partner during sex does two things – improves the quality of your sexual session and gives your partner direction. Does something feel good? Say it. Something naughty on your mind? Say it. Want to try something new? Say it. Clear communication is crucial when you want to improve your sex life.
Bring in a Sex Therapist
Sex therapy tends to be the butt of many jokes but seeing a sex therapist is nothing to joke about. As a sexual healthcare provider, sex therapists are trained to create a non-judgemental and supportive environment where people can speak freely about their issues and concerns regarding their sex lives. Whether you’re hitting roadblocks, can’t get aroused, have little desire for sex, or are experiencing sexual dissatisfaction, it’s time to consult with a sex therapist who can help you individually or as a couple. Your sexual wellness is crucial to your overall health and mental wellbeing so don’t dismiss it in the New Year.
Improve Your Sexual Wellbeing
Growing as a peron also includes tackling some tough topics like sex. Work with a sex therapist in Houston, Texas to overcome obstacles that are preventing you from having a fullfilling sex life.
