You know that moment when someone casually says, “You just need to forgive them,” and something inside you tightens? Maybe your jaw clenches. Maybe your chest feels heavy or maybe you want to scream, “You have no idea what they did.”
We see this all the time. People come into therapy feeling pressured from family, from friends, from cultural messages to be the “bigger person.” And yet, every part of their body is saying, “I’m not ready. I don’t feel safe. Please don’t ask this of me.”
So let’s settle something right here at the start. You do not have to forgive someone who traumatized you in order to heal. Not now, not later, not ever, unless it genuinely feels right for you.
You know that moment when someone casually says, “You just need to forgive them,” and something inside you tightens? Maybe your jaw clenches. Maybe your chest feels heavy or maybe you want to scream, “You have no idea what they did.”
We see this all the time. People come into therapy feeling pressured from family, from friends, from cultural messages to be the “bigger person.” And yet, every part of their body is saying, “I’m not ready. I don’t feel safe. Please don’t ask this of me.”
So let’s settle something right here at the start. You do not have to forgive someone who traumatized you in order to heal. Not now, not later, not ever, unless it genuinely feels right for you.
Many of our clients breathe an immediate sigh of relief when they hear that. Because trauma isn’t a simple disagreement. It’s not two people who hurt each other a little and then move on. Trauma overwhelms your nervous system, it changes your relationship with safety, trust, and even your own body.
Forgiveness often feels impossible because your body doesn’t feel finished with the story yet. And that’s a sign your system is protecting you.
The Complicated Relationship Between Trauma & Forgiveness
When someone harms you emotionally, physically, psychologically, it leaves echoes. Memories that don’t fade the way people say they “should.” Reactions that feel too big for the moment you’re in. A sense of danger that shows up even when nothing dangerous is happening.
Trauma shapes how you think, how you breathe and how you connect. And yes, how you feel about forgiveness.
We hear questions like:
- “If I forgive them, won’t that mean what they did was okay?”
- “How can I forgive someone who never took responsibility?”
- “Why does everyone expect me to be at peace when I’m still hurting?”
These questions come from a wise, protective part of you trying to make sense of something senseless. Because forgiveness cannot be forced. Whenever it’s pushed by others or by yourself, it creates shame instead of healing. And shame is the enemy of recovery.
What Healing Actually Looks Like
In the therapy room, forgiveness is never the first thing we talk about because healing begins somewhere much dee[er and more foundational.
It begins with:
- Feeling safe in your body again
- Trusting your own perceptions
- Separating what happened from who you are
- Allowing your nervous system to settle
- Releasing stored trauma without reliving it
Only then do some people begin to wonder whether forgiveness is relevant for them. Sometimes the answer is yes and at other times, the answer is no. Both are valid. Because forgiveness is not a milestone of healing. It’s a personal decision some people make after the healing work is well underway.
Where EMDR Helps Repair What Trauma Shattered
Our team works with many trauma survivors, and one of the most effective tools we use is EMDR. What people often love about Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing is that it doesn’t demand anything from you emotionally. You don’t have to forgive or “let go.” You don’t even have to talk in detail about what happened if you don’t want to. EMDR helps the brain reprocess traumatic memories so they no longer feel like open wounds.
Clients often tell us:
- “The memory is still there, but it doesn’t control me anymore.”
- “I finally felt my body relax.”
- “For the first time, I saw the experience from a calmer distance.”
When the emotional charge softens, you gain something much more valuable than forced forgiveness, you gain clarity.
You can decide, from a grounded place:
- What boundaries you need
- What kind of distance (or no contact) feels right
- What closure means for you, not for anyone else
Healing puts the power back in your hands, not in the hands of the person who harmed you.
Why So Many People Feel Pressured To Forgive
Let’s acknowledge the fact that society rushes forgiveness. There’s this idea that forgiving makes you noble, spiritual,or even evolved. But when you apply that to trauma, it becomes harmful.
The pressure to forgive can feel suffocating in ways most people don’t talk about. It can sound like someone telling you, directly or indirectly, to ignore your pain because it makes others uncomfortable. It can feel like being nudged to “move on” long before your body or your heart is ready. Sometimes it even comes with the expectation that you should show compassion toward the very person who hurt you, as if your bleeding edges are invisible to everyone else. And in all of this, there’s often an unspoken message that you’re not allowed to be angry, that anger somehow makes you difficult or ungracious, rather than simply human.
Forgiveness is not a performance or a social expectation. It is a deeply personal choice, and no one else gets to define its timing or its usefulness. Some of our clients never forgive the person who traumatized them. Others feel forgiveness naturally arises once they’ve fully healed. Some choose neutrality instead of forgiveness and allowing for an emotional “untangling.” All of these are valid outcomes.
There’s Nothing Wrong If You’re Not Ready To Forgive
You might be surprised how often clients whisper some version of this: “I thought something was wrong with me because I couldn’t forgive.” However, there is nothing wrong with you. Your body is wise. It is protecting you.
When forgiveness still feels far away, it usually means:
- The trauma hasn’t been processed
- Your nervous system is still in defense mode
- Your boundaries are still forming
- Trust (especially self-trust) needs more time to rebuild
Healing happens in layers. Forgiveness, if it happens at all, grows out of those layers, not separate from them.
What We Want You To Know Right Now
There’s no requirement to be ready to forgive, no expectation to understand exactly what healing will look like, and no pressure to create a plan or a timeline. What matters most is having just enough strength for the next step. And we’re right here to take that step with you.
Our approach is gentle, direct, nonjudgmental, and deeply protective of your pace. We don’t rush or push. We won’t pressure. We help you rebuild the inner safety that trauma took from you.
As the nervous system begins to settle, clarity naturally follows. People often notice a shift inside themselves that they haven’t felt in a long time. For some, that opens the door to a sense of peace. For others, it becomes the moment they finally recognize the boundaries they’ve needed all along. And many discover a feeling of coming back to themselves. Your healing, your steadiness, your sense of wholeness returning in a way that feels true to you is the intention behind this work..
If You’ve Been Carrying This Question, Let’s Talk
If you’re asking, “Do I need to forgive them?” it’s usually a sign that something inside you is tired of hurting and tired of carrying it alone. Trauma work, especially EMDR, can help you finally feel like yourself again.
If you’re curious, if you’re unsure, if you’re hopeful or hesitant… we invite you to take the next small step. We offer a free 15-minute consultation so you can get a sense of us, our approach, and what healing might look like for you.
You don’t have to decide anything today, you just have to reach out. We’re here and we would be honored to support your healing.
