Ever catch yourself asking, “Why do all the people I date have commitment issues?”
Maybe they start off strong, fully attentive, interested, and invested. But just when things get emotionally close, they pull away. They ghost you. They say they’re “not ready for a relationship.” Or they stay, but they never really show up. And while you tell yourself they’re the ones with the issue… deep down, you wonder:
What does it say about me that I keep choosing them?
As a therapist, I see this pattern often. In fact, some of the people who fall into it most deeply are people who want relationships the most. Smart, intuitive women and men who can spot attachment issues a mile away, but still find themselves holding on to relationships that aren’t fully available.
What Does Having A “Commitment Issue” Really Mean?
“Commitment issues” isn’t just about refusing to put a label on things. It’s about emotional unavailability, inconsistent connection, fear of vulnerability, and self-protection masquerading as independence.
Often, people with commitment issues want intimacy, but fear what it costs. They may have experienced past trauma, attachment wounds, or grew up in emotionally unstable environments so they keep one foot in and one foot out the door even when they’re in relationships with a kind, caring, and seemingly “perfect” relationship.
If you have a pattern of attracting people who are emotionally unavailable, there’s also very likely something happening for you. Chances are, you’re also emotionally over-functioning in an effort to see the thing you “expected all along”. And this can make it challenging to ever find a healthy relationship in your adult life.
How We Get Hooked Into The Pattern
You might not be afraid of commitment yourself, but you may be afraid of what real vulnerability requires.
Let’s say you meet someone who’s inconsistent. Instead of walking away, you double down on the relationship. In an effort to prove you’re worth the effort, you work hard to show how loyal, understanding, and patient you can be. You try to be enough to make them choose you fully and that effort feels noble, but it’s also a way to avoid your own fear.
People who find themselves repeatedly in relationships with commitment-challenged people also tend to have fears of their own, including:
- The fear that no one will choose you unless you earn it.
- The fear of what might happen if you actually open yourself to someone stable who could hurt you more deeply.
- The fear that being seen might not be enough.
This dynamic is often rooted in attachment trauma. Not necessarily big, dramatic trauma, but subtle early experiences that taught you love was conditional or unpredictable. Studies show that those with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are more likely to pursue avoidant partners, creating a painful dance of chase and retreat.
What To Work On In Therapy If You’re Attracting Partners With Commitment Issues
Let’s pause for a moment and ask the harder question: If I keep choosing people who can’t commit… What part of me is afraid to be chosen?
That question can sting. It can feel like blame or shame, but it’s neither. It’s a mirror… a chance to step back and get honest about what’s going on beneath the surface.
When you’re always the one trying to prove you’re “good enough” to a partner to stick around, you’re not in a partnership. You’re in a performance. One where you’re jumping though hoops, hoping to be noticed while the audience was never emotionally available (or invested) in the first place.
The truth is, many of us are drawn to what’s familiar, not what’s healthy. If love once meant uncertainty, inconsistency, or even emotional abandonment… then someone who won’t commit might feel more “real” than someone who’s ready to love you with both feet in.
The good news is that therapy can shift that. Therapy is about gently untangling the story you’ve been living inside and learning how to write a new one.
Here’s what that might look like:
1. Your attachment blueprint
How did you learn to love? Who taught you what relationships should feel like? Maybe love meant working hard to be seen. Or maybe it meant keeping people at a distance to stay safe. Therapy can help you trace those old patterns back to their origin so they start to loosen their grip and you can begin exploring healthier relationships in the future.
2. Your tolerance for stability
Here’s the paradox: a secure partner might feel… boring, or suspicious, or even overwhelming. Sometimes your nervous system isn’t used to calm, it’s used to chaos. Exploring how your body reacts to consistency can uncover the silent ways you might be resisting the very love you say you want.
3. The inner voice that craves proof
Are you trying to earn love, or receive it? Many people unconsciously believe love has to be won. That belief creates exhaustion, resentment, and a sense of never being enough. In therapy, you can practice hearing (maybe for the first time) that you’re worthy just as you are.
4. Boundaries, not ultimatums
It’s okay to love someone who’s struggling. But love without boundaries becomes self-abandonment. Therapy helps you learn to honor your needs without shutting down or issuing ultimatums. You get to ask for more. And you get to mean it.
You don’t have to keep playing out the same story with different names and faces. You don’t have to keep making yourself smaller, quieter, or more “understanding” just to be tolerated. When you begin to heal your own relationship to intimacy, you stop chasing people who fear it.
And that’s when something new becomes possible.
How To Stop Attracting People With Commitment Issues
This part is hard to hear, but freeing: You stop attracting avoidant partners when you stop choosing them.
That starts with noticing your early warning signs. Do you ignore the red flags because you’re “curious to see where it could go”? Do you fall in love with someone’s potential, not their behavior?
Therapy gives you a place to slow down and rewire the instincts that once felt like “chemistry,” but were actually chaos disguised as connection. And when you start choosing differently, it may feel awkward at first. It may not be as adrenaline-fueled or mysterious, but that discomfort and awkwardness is actually growth. That calm is safety and it’s a core building block for any relationship to thrive.
When You Love Someone With Commitment Issues
If you’re already in love with someone who’s struggling to commit, you’re in pain and you deserve support. It can be excruciating to feel like you’re always almost there.
In therapy, you can figure out:
- What you really want.
- What would a healthy relationship look like for you?
- Are you waiting, or are you staying stuck?
If you’ve found yourself loving people who can’t stay, it doesn’t mean you’re naïve or needy. Or not good enough. It often means you’re incredibly loyal but somewhere along the way, love got tangled up with uncertainty and now, that is what feels familiar.
But being drawn to what you’ve known doesn’t mean you’re doomed to repeat it. These patterns aren’t fixed. They’re learned. And the good news is what’s been learned can be unlearned.
Yes, change is uncomfortable. It can bring grief… the grief of seeing things clearly, or of letting go of what you hoped someone might become. But in that space, something powerful can begin: the chance to relate to yourself differently. The chance to build trust from the inside out, so you can choose better next time, not out of fear or fantasy, but from a grounded, steady place.
And if you’re ready to start that process… if you’re tired of carrying this weight alone… Therapy Works Well is here. Together we can start to untangle what’s been holding you back and move toward the kind of connection that feels safe, reciprocal, and real.
Book your free 15-minute phone consultation today
You don’t have to keep settling for almost. You’re allowed to want the whole thing, and you’re allowed to get it.
