Maybe you’re in the car, or the kitchen, or about to fall asleep when your partner whispers something out loud like, “I feel really anxious right now.”
And just like that, you’re not sure what to say. You want to help, but you don’t want to say the wrong thing. You’re wondering, what are the right things to say to an anxious person? Is there something that actually works, or is it better to stay quiet?
In my work as a therapist, this is one of the most common concerns I hear, especially from partners or loved ones who care deeply, but feel lost in the moment. So let’s talk about what to say to an anxious person in a way that actually helps and what to avoid when the goal is to create a real connection with someone you care about.
1. “I’m Here. You’re Not Alone In This.”
Sometimes the most powerful thing to say to an anxious person is also the simplest. Anxiety causes people to isolate. It tells people they’re weird, hard to handle, or just too much. Reminding someone you’re still there, even if they’re spiraling or panicking can interrupt that shame loop in a way no pep talk ever could.
You can say:
- “I can hear that this is a lot.”
- “Thanks for telling me.”
- “Do you want to talk or just sit together for a minute?”
These may be simple words, but they help remind the anxious person that they’re not alone or have them think that they’re a problem to solve.
What not to say: “You’ll be fine.” It may sound comforting to you, but it skips over what’s true at the moment. They may not feel fine. But they’re not alone, and that matters more.
2. “It’s Okay To Feel This Way.”
I know that might sound counterintuitive. If someone you care about is suffering, you want to reach out and help them, solve their problem, or take away their pain.
You might want to jump in with:
- “There’s nothing to worry about.”
- “You always get like this before X.”
- “You’ll feel better after some sleep.”
But those phrases often feel like pressure or dismissal. They are not phrases to say to an anxious person. Anxious people are usually already judging themselves for “overreacting.” They don’t need to be corrected, they need permission to feel what they’re feeling and still know they’re safe in your presence.
Try saying something gentler:
- “Do you want me to help think it through, or just be here for a bit?”
- “I’m not going anywhere. You can take your time.”
If they say, “I don’t know what I need,” believe them. That’s part of it, too.
This is especially healing when someone’s anxiety feels irrational to you. Maybe you don’t understand why they’re panicking over a parking ticket or a text they haven’t answered. That’s okay; you don’t have to understand it to validate it.
Saying “It’s okay to feel this way” helps them stop fighting their emotions. It says: “You don’t have to be different to be safe with me.”
3. “What Do You Need Right Now?”
Every anxious person is different. Some want silence, others want questions. Some want to vent without interruption. While others feel trapped in conversation.
So ask:
- “What helps when it feels like this?”
- “Do you want company or space right now?”
- “Would it feel better if I came with you?” (E.G. to the store, to the appointment, into the next room.)
Anxiety takes away control, while offering choice gives a little back. It gives an anxious person a sense of agency even if they’re not sure at the moment.
And if they don’t know what helps? That’s okay. Tell them they don’t have to figure it out alone.
4. “Let’s Just Take The Next Five Minutes.”
During a therapy session, anxiety makes a person’s sense of time distorted. It’s either racing forward or standing still.
This is what an anxious person may be saying:
- “I feel like I’m spiraling.”
- “My chest is tight and I can’t get a full breath.”
- “It’s like my brain won’t stop running worst-case scenarios.”
What helps in those moments isn’t a plan. It’s something to hold onto, including a hand to squeeze, a phrase repeated gently, or the 3-3-3 rule. Grounding someone in the present, gently, is more effective than saying “calm down.”
You might say:
- “Let’s just sit quietly for five minutes and breathe together.”
- “Can we both put our feet on the floor and just sit for 60 seconds?”
- Or even, “Want to try the 3-3-3 rule?”
The 3-3-3 Rule: This simple tool can help interrupt anxious spiraling:
- Name 3 things you can see
- Name 3 things you can hear
- Move 3 parts of your body (wiggle your fingers, roll your shoulders, tap your feet)
The 3-3-3 rule is not a magic fix, but it’s something to do in the moment, and that alone can be comforting. Sometimes I suggest clients keep a sticky note on their fridge with the sentence:
- “This is a wave. I don’t have to fight it, I just have to ride it.”
You can borrow that if it feels right. Or ask them what works best.
5. “You Don’t Have To Talk If You Don’t Want To.”
This one matters deeply. Sometimes people with anxiety feel like they have to justify it.
- “I know it’s stupid but …”
- “I don’t know why this is happening …”
- “I should be able to handle this …”
But anxiety isn’t a moral failing and it’s not a logic problem so it doesn’t need to be defended.
One of the most powerful things you can say is:
- “You don’t owe me a story or an answer right now.”
Just let your presence be the safety they’re struggling to find inside themselves. Giving them permission to be quiet can be a relief.
6. “Would It Help To Move? Or Rest?”
When someone’s nervous system is activated, meaning they’re feeling overwhelmed, jittery, or emotionally flooded, a shift in the environment can help bring their body back to a sense of safety. But not every change helps. A loud room, a fast-paced conversation, or a forced activity might actually make things worse.
That’s where co-regulation comes in. It’s the process of calming down with another person, not through advice or correction, but through shared presence. You’re offering your steady rhythm to help their system find its own again.
So when you suggest going for a walk, listening to music together, or quietly folding laundry side by side, you’re not trying to distract them or steer them away from their anxiety. You’re offering a calm, relational anchor. And that can be more regulating than any deep-breathing technique you could recite from memory.
Try to avoid:
- “You need to get out more.”
That can feel like pressure or criticism. Instead, offer lightness and let them choose.Movement shifts anxious energy, but only if it’s offered, not imposed. Some people feel better after a walk. Others want to be still. Some find music soothing. Others need silence. The key is to ask, not direct.
This is especially important in relationships where one partner struggles with panic, social anxiety, or post-trauma responses. Respecting the body’s cues is a form of intimacy.
You Don’t Have To Say Everything Perfectly To Be Helpful
The most common fear I hear from partners is this:
- “I want to be supportive, but I’m scared I’m doing it wrong.”
That means you’re paying attention, but don’t let that fear paralyze you. You don’t have to speak in therapy phrases or always have the right tone. You’re not a clinician, you’re someone who cares. That’s more than enough to start with. Anxious people need presence.
And presence often sounds like:
- “I don’t know what the right thing to say is, but I’m here.”
- “This is hard, and we can do hard things together.”
When It Feels Like More Than You Can Hold…
There are moments when anxiety starts to shape a relationship. When it becomes a third party in the room and everything starts to revolve around avoiding triggers or calming spirals. If you’ve hit that point, it might be time for extra support.
That could mean:
- Individual therapy to better understand the roots of anxiety.
- Couples therapy to work through communication breakdowns.
- Even just one session to build a shared plan for moments when it spikes.
That’s what I help people do every week. Sit across from each other, speak honestly, and rebuild connection, even when anxiety makes everything feel loud and fast and unpredictable. If you’re in that kind of season, let’s talk. You don’t have to keep guessing your way through it.
I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation to help you get a sense of what working together might be like. No pressure, no commitment, just a place to begin.
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