How to Build Back Trust After Cheating

The aftermath of an affair can be compared to a terrifying roller coaster ride. It takes you to unimaginable heights, only to drop you straight down or glide you along with sudden twists and turns that leave you feeling uncertain and scared.

The constant back and forth between hope and despair can create a chaotic, day-to-day existence that’s filled with fear and uncertainty, much like your relationship after infidelity.

It’s natural to wonder if it’s possible to ever escape this fear and uncertainty and restore the trust in your relationship. The good news is that, with dedication, commitment, and a strong desire to make it work, it is possible to rebuild trust after infidelity. In this article, I’ll explore strategies and steps that can help you and your partner navigate this challenging time and work towards a healthier, more trusting relationship.

Understand There Are Two Sides To Work On To Build Back Trust After Cheating

When it comes to building back trust after cheating, it’s important to realize that both partners have a role to play. The one who betrayed the trust must take responsibility, show remorse, and be patient with their partner’s healing process. On the other side, the one who was hurt has to navigate feelings of sadness, anger, and betrayal, while remaining open to the possibility of trusting again.

It’s easy to think the weight of rebuilding falls on just one person, but both sides need to work together. The betrayed partner needs to feel heard, validated, and respected as they heal. The one who cheated has to demonstrate consistent honesty, transparency, and commitment to rebuilding trust. Ultimately, trust is a track record—something earned over time, not immediately regained.

Understanding the Mechanics of a Trusting Relationship

At its core, trust is built on consistent, reliable actions that show you can count on your partner. This includes actions that include big promises as well as the little day-to-day commitments you do all the time. When you’re building trust in a relationship, particularly after cheating, it’s important to understand the deeper mechanics of how trust works.

Trust is feeling secure that your partner will prioritize your emotional needs and well-being. It’s established through open communication, reliability, and respect. After cheating, these qualities take on even more importance, as your partner will likely feel anxious, unsure, and even question whether they can trust themselves again. It’s about creating an environment where you feel safe emotionally and where you can share vulnerabilities without the fear of being hurt again.

Remember that trust isn’t just something you talk about; it’s built through actions. You can say you’re committed to the relationship, but your behavior must reflect that commitment too. Small gestures of accountability, like being transparent about plans or checking in when you say you will, help rebuild the sense of security that was lost.

Remember You Are Building Back Trust Not Starting From Scratch

Although the betrayal of cheating can feel like it destroys everything, it’s important to remember that you’re not starting from scratch. You have a history together, shared experiences, and emotions that can still serve as the foundation for rebuilding. While it might feel like a new chapter, you’re not writing an entirely new story.

Rebuilding trust is about acknowledging what went wrong while also recognizing the strengths that still exist in your relationship. Lean into the positive aspects of your connection—the things that brought you together in the first place. Whether it’s shared values, deep conversations, or a genuine connection, these can be stepping stones toward regaining trust. Yes, the betrayal has created cracks, but with time and effort, those cracks can heal, making the relationship stronger than before.

For The One Who Cheated: Building Trust After Your Affair

You cheated. You’ve told your partner about the infidelity and now you have to accept that you broke someone’s trust. Don’t hide from it. Take ownership of what you did and accept that you need to deal with and accept the consequences. Begin the healing process by offering a sincere apology and expressing your commitment to rebuilding trust with your partner.

Keep in mind that this journey won’t be easy, but by staying dedicated and understanding the challenges ahead, you can work towards restoring your relationship and creating a stronger, more trusting bond with your partner.

How to begin rebuilding trust between you and your partner:

• Sever the ties with the person you had the affair with.
• Allow your partner to react in whatever way he or she needs to react after you’ve admitted the indiscretion.
• Accept your partner will be suspicious of everything you do, or say. Instead of being defensive, just be transparent with them. Lay out all your plans and who you’re spending your time with.
• Never pressure your partner to trust you and forgive you quickly. It takes time to heal and build trust.
• Be honest in everything you do. Follow through with promises, no matter how big or small.
• Reconnect with your partner – if they reject the attempts at emotional and physical connection, understand it’s normal, and give him or her space before attempting to reconnect again.
• Define your relationship rules. Your partner may now consider different things as cheating. Before he or she may have been okay with you flirting, but now, not so much. Set all of these rules up in order to avoid breaking trust again.
• Seek counseling as a couple, as well as individual therapy if necessary.

Doing all of these things may, or may not, help rebuild the trust in your relationship, but if you want to rebuild the trust, then you will want to at the very least, try one or all of these steps.

For The Person Who Was Betrayed: How to Begin to Trust Again

Infidelity causes trauma. Building trust back after a partner’s betrayal isn’t going to be easy. If it’s easy, you might not be healing from the trauma but rather ignoring it. Commit to healing and rebuilding trust if that’s what you feel is best for you. How can you do this?

• Tell your partner how you feel. All the pain, hurt, anger, and more. Get it all out so you can start rebuilding the trust from an honest place. Just stay clear of accusations. 
• Never ignore the affair. It happened, and it should be acknowledged and worked through. 
• Learn to trust yourself again. Someone you trusted took great lengths to lie and cheat. Never question if you could have done something different. 
• Learn how to communicate effectively and often about your feelings, desires, needs, wants, and whatever else needs to be discussed.
• Find a counselor who is a good fit to help not just you as a couple, but also individually. 

If you want to truly regain trust between you and your partner, it’s important to create safe spaces to communicate whether with your counselor / therapist, or when you’re on your own at home on a daily basis. After an affair, life is no longer black and white, but more gray and nuanced than it was before the affair.

How Couples Counseling Can Help Build Back Trust

Rebuilding trust after cheating is not something that comes naturally or easily. In fact, the emotional toll can feel overwhelming for both the betrayed and the betrayer. This is where couples counseling can be an invaluable resource. An experienced therapist can help guide both partners through the complex emotions of betrayal, guilt, and forgiveness.

Couples therapy provides a safe, structured space for each partner to express their feelings openly. The betrayed partner can process their anger and sadness, while the betrayer can explore their reasons for cheating and take accountability. Together, with the therapist’s support, both partners can work on communicating more effectively, learning how to rebuild trust, and reconnecting emotionally and physically.

Spending time connecting emotionally and sexually may not feel natural at first, but as you let go of feelings of blame and contempt, it gets easier. Patience with yourself and your partner are the keys to creating trust again! It sounds daunting, and unachievable. However, working with an experienced therapist can make the entire trust rebuilding process go smoother for both the betrayed and betrayer.

The key to rebuilding trust is allowing yourselves to grow together in this healing process. Couples counseling makes that growth smoother, offering the tools to let go of blame and move toward a future where trust can flourish once again.

If you’re ready to take the first step toward rebuilding trust and healing your relationship, consider working with an experienced couples counselor. Reach out today, and let us help you and your partner find your way back to each other. Trust can be rebuilt, and your love story isn’t over yet. 

Updated 10/26/24

Stefanie Kuhn, LMFT Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT)

As a relationship expert, I work with individuals and couples who are going through difficult times, experiencing conflict in their relationship, or feeling stuck and unsure about how to handle the issues in their lives. I have openings in my practice and can see clients virtually across Texas or in person in Houston and the Clear Lake area. Please contact me to see if we're a good fit.

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