Communicating Better in a Relationship

Most of us have heard that good communication is crucial to making a relationship last. We hear “communication is key to a successful partnership” – especially once we take a relationship to the next level. There’s a lot of truth to it but few of us are taught how to communicate in a relationship and sometimes it wasn’t modeled for us. So, if you don’t have the key, how do you open the door?

First, let’s talk about the definition of communication. Most people believe “communication” means speaking but communication can be broken up into three categories:

Verbal communication is where you listen to a person in order to understand their meaning (Speaking and Listening)
Written communication involves reading to understand meaning (Reading and Writing)
Non-verbal communication is where you observe a person to infer meaning (Body Posture & Language, Hand Signals)

At the heart of it, communication involves expressing yourself in a healthy manner which also means being an active listener when your partner is communicating. So what can you do to communicate better in a relationship? Many things but there are some easy ways you can communicate better starting today.

Tips for Communicating in a Relationship

The following communication tips are split into 3 categories: how you communicate; your partner’s communication; and how you can communicate more effectively together.

how to communicate in a relationship as a man

Communication from You

The best way to tell someone how you want them to communicate with you is by modeling. How you choose to communicate with your partner can help make it easier for your partner to react and respond. Here are a few ways to start:

Tell Them What You Need from a Partner

If you get frustrated with your partner when you try to vent and they try to fix it, there’s an easy fix: tell them what you need in advance. Say things like “I just need to vent right now and just need support, not advice,” or “I need to pick your brain for a few minutes about an issue I’m having – I’d like some feedback or advice.” Starting off with clear direction on what you’re looking for will help you avoid any misunderstandings and arguments down the road.

Own Your Personal Responsibility

When you say or do something that hurts or offends someone you need to own that – then apologize. When you take personal responsibility for your actions, it helps you take stock of what you did so you don’t repeat the same action later down the road. The most important part of owning your mistakes is apologizing for what you did. A simple apology like “I’m really sorry for how I said that” can go a long way. Caution: the following are not apologies-

I’m sorry but…
I’m sorry if you were offended by what I said
I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, you took it the wrong way

These statements negate your entire apology because they throw the onus back onto the receiving end. Own your personal responsibility and just say “I’m sorry”.

Find Middle Ground

The older generations will tell you that compromise can make or break a relationship. Is it really that important to “win” an argument? Sometimes finding a compromise that works for both of you is better than winning. And, a compromise isn’t giving in – it’s finding a creative solution to the problem at hand and it’s a healthy way to communicate.

Your Partner’s Communication

While you can’t force your partner to communicate in the exact way that would make your life easier, you can take an active role in how you listen and respond. Here are the first steps to take:

Actively Listen

Have you ever been told that you heard someone but you weren’t listening to them? Hearing and Listening are two different things. And we often think we’re listening but in reality, we’re thinking about what we’re going to say next. Sound familiar? To be an active listener, try listening to your partner without reaction or interruption, then reflect back what you heard them say so they feel heard. The more you do this, the easier it gets and your partner will likely be more willing to listen to you.

communicating in a relationship as a couple

Look for Non-Verbal Cues

Communication isn’t just the words we say – it’s the tone we use, our body language, and the vibe we give off. The next time you’re asking your spouse “how was your day?” and they say “fine” – there’s a good chance it wasn’t fine. When you look for non-verbal communication cues, you’ll also see whether your partner is ready to talk or not. If they aren’t, you can verbally tell them that when they are ready to talk, you’re there to listen.

Respond with Empathy

Criticism isn’t something most people take well. In fact, we often get defensive, become reactive, and the situation we’re in blows up. So, the next time your partner comes at you with criticism, listen to those non-verbal cues and look for signs that they are in pain, then respond with empathy for their feelings.

communicating as a couple in a relationship

Communicating Together

When you’re both looking to improve your communication in the relationship, there are things you can do together to make it work.

Set Aside Time to Talk

Not every date night needs to be dedicated to talking but they also don’t need to all be fun – sometimes they need to be functional. Set aside time to speak with each other because it’s important to work out small things before they become big things – and sometimes you need time and space to work out big issues. There are many places and spaces to do this – dinner, in couple’s counseling, or even on your way home from work talking to each other on the phone. There’s no right or wrong way to set aside this time, but having this time can make communicating easier.

Remember: You’re Not Mind Readers

There are times you can look at your partner and know what they are thinking but that’s not the norm. When you’re not sure what your partner is thinking or feeling, the simplest route is just to ask them because neither of you are mind readers. It’s a two-way street, too – you need to voice your feelings, too.

Conversations aren’t One-Sided

Just like no one likes a ball-hog, it’s hard to have a conversation when one person dominates the space. This should be a two-way street where both parties are active in the conversation. If your partner is making it hard to get a word in, call them out (gently!) and be mindful of when you take over the conversation.

When to Call in a Professional

As a Houston-area therapist, I can tell you that my clients see me for many different reasons but one thing most of them have in common is issues with communication. Sometimes having a therapist moderate the conversations and guide you can help you both learn to communicate more effectively. After all, communication is a skill and you can always get better at it.