No one thinks they’ll end up here. Not when you first meet. Not when you say I do. Not even when the arguments start or the silence stretches between you for weeks. Emotional affairs feel like something that happens to other couples, until it’s you. Until you find yourself opening up to someone else. Laughing with them. Confiding in them. Feeling more alive than you have in years… and wondering what it means.
If you’re now searching for how to get over an emotional affair, it probably means something came to light. Maybe your partner found the messages. Maybe you ended things on your own but can’t stop thinking about them. Or maybe you’re the one who was betrayed, and you’re trying to make sense of how you got here and whether your marriage can survive it.
Emotional affairs can be every bit as painful (and as complicated) as physical ones. They not only break trust, they also shake your sense of reality. Was it real? Was it love? What does it say about your marriage? About you?
These are big questions and as a couples therapist, I work with many clients facing this very situation; people who are struggling with the aftermath of an emotional affair and quietly wondering: Can we come back from this?
The answer is yes, but it’s going to take work. And honesty. And a willingness, from both partners, to rebuild something stronger than what was there before.
First, Let’s Be Honest: It Was An Affair
Not in the traditional sense perhaps, but emotionally? Absolutely.
Emotional affairs are deeply intimate connections that take time, energy, and vulnerability away from your partner. They can feel even more threatening than physical infidelity because they chip away at the core of what most couples value most: trust, safety, and closeness.
Minimizing or justifying what happened only makes it harder to heal. The first step is to tell the truth… to yourself, and eventually to your partner. Therapist and relationship researcher Shirley Glass wrote, “Fidelity is not merely about where your body goes, but where your heart goes.”
The Truth Will Hurt, But Hiding It Hurts More
If you want to stay married, and learn how to get over an emotional affair, it’s not enough to “move on.” You have to move through. That means talking about what happened. Naming it. Answering your partner’s questions. And being prepared for the emotional fallout… not just theirs, but yours as well.
According to Psychology Today, emotional affairs trigger similar trauma responses as physical ones, including obsessive thinking, disrupted sleep, and deep insecurity. Your partner might feel betrayed by the intimacy you gave someone else. You might feel confused by the emotional hole the affair filled. These conversations are hard, but they are the beginning of repair.
Give Your Marriage A Clear Yes Or A Clear No
Affairs don’t happen in healthy, thriving marriages. That doesn’t mean it’s your partner’s fault. It means the relationship likely wasn’t working on some level… emotionally, sexually, or relationally. If you want to learn how to get over an emotional affair, now is the time to look closely at that.
Make a conscious decision to examine what’s not working. Not just for the kids, not just to save face. For each other. For yourselves. For the possibility of something better than what you had before.
Start Doing The Work Together
Emotional affair recovery isn’t a solo sport. To understand how to get over an emotional affair, both partners need to show up.
That looks like:
- Setting new boundaries: No more contact with the affair partner, full transparency with communication devices, and agreed-upon expectations around emotional availability.
- Processing grief: Yes, grief. You may mourn the loss of that emotional connection, even as you recommit to your spouse. That’s normal, and it doesn’t make you a bad person.
- Tending to the marriage: Go to couples therapy. Schedule time together. Talk about what you both need—sexually, emotionally, practically. Then, work toward meeting those needs.
Research shows that couples who engage in affair recovery therapy can rebuild stronger marriages than before, particularly when both are willing to be honest and emotionally available.
Rebuilding Trust Is A Process, Not A Promise
One apology won’t fix it. One therapy session won’t fix it. A weekend away won’t fix it. Trust is built back slowly, through consistency, accountability, and emotional repair.
Your partner might check your phone. You might have to answer the same questions over and over. That doesn’t mean you’re doomed, it means the injury was deep. But with patience and compassion, the two of you can emerge on the other side with a relationship built on truth instead of fantasy.
Let Yourself Feel Everything Without Letting It Take Over
One minute you feel hopeful. The next minute, you feel like a monster. Or a fool. Or a failure. This is all very normal.
It’s the way pain manifests and shows up in your life. Therapy can help you make sense of that pain, figure out where it came from, and build new emotional muscles. Stefanie Kuhn, LMFT, works with couples and individuals in exactly this place—where heartbreak meets hope. Where grief makes way for growth.
You don’t have to figure it all out at once. But you do have to start.
Healing Is Hard. Staying Married Is Harder. But Both Are Possible
Emotional affairs don’t have to be the end of a marriage.
Sometimes, they’re the wake-up call; the moment that forces both partners to stop avoiding, stop numbing, stop going through the motions. They shine a harsh light on the loneliness, the resentment, and the disconnection. It’s painful, yes. But pain can also be clarifying.
If you’re willing to face the truth (and face it together) this rupture can become the starting point for something new. Not a return to how things were, but a relationship that is more honest, more intentional, and more emotionally alive than before.
That kind of healing doesn’t happen by accident. It takes work. It takes boundaries, accountability, and time. But more than anything, it takes two people who are still willing to try.
Ready to start that process?
I know how disorienting this can feel. Emotional affairs stir up so much grief, shame, longing, anger, and confusion. But they can also become a turning point. A moment of reckoning that leads to something more honest, more connected, and more real than what came before.
If you and your partner are willing to learn how to get over an emotional affair and do the work together, healing is possible. You don’t have to go through it alone. In my practice, I offer a safe, structured space to help you make sense of what happened, rebuild trust, and decide, together, what kind of relationship you want going forward.
Whether you’re still in shock or already deep in the process of repair, I’m here to help.Let’s talk. Schedule your free 15-minute consultation and take the first step toward clarity and connection.
